already | not yet

it's a paradox, the "now-ness" of the future.

at church today, it was described in context of the kingdom of heaven - this promise of positive change, and the hopes that we hold for both now and later, which holds true in a way that is applicable and yet larger than life.

growing up, i knew nothing about a world outside of my own. God was God, belief was belief, and my faith was one of childlike innocence/naivete. then i started seeing the world as it is, and i needed to figure everything out all over again on my own. it became more about the action than the belief -- who i wanted to become, what i wanted to embody, and what to do about the things i don't understand. i neither wanted to live in oblivion of reality, nor did i want to live hating things out of ignorance.

these were huge reasons for my moving to san francisco. not only was i afraid of becoming complacent in a sweet, sheltered suburban lifestyle, but i also could not miss out on an opportunity to challenge myself.

my future is not just ahead of me, but it's also right in front of me.

i can't be waiting for it to happen, because it's already happening;

i can't settle with right now, because it's still unfolding.

[man. that's heavy... it's been on my mind all day]

"if you think you have it half-figured out, you're all the way wrong"

-dave lomas

anyway. realitysf was an amazing experience: a new church service taking place at an awesome location (the swedish american hall), a message that tackles the bigger questions in a very real way, a gathering that feeds the soul.

so often i just want to leave a lasting impression with others, be certain of my purpose, and love people. it's nice to be reminded that the biggest impact i am making is on myself, and that there is something so much bigger than me in control.

i saw a tweet that really stuck with me from a close friend of mine:

My life is more f*ed up than ever, but I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Does that mean I'm a crazy person?

to which i responded:

it means you're human and you're embracing the imperfections that make life beautiful. <3

...who says we're supposed to be perfect and have it all together?

doggy day out in dublin :)

one of my favorite day-off things to do is take the bart out to dublin with lambo
and hang out with vix & bud.
even without my dSLR, vicki is still a consistent source of inspiration on our little day adventures :)
[see more photos here]

the best i could do for the last shot of the night
racing against my dying battery

hearts will hold [details in the fabric]

maybe it's the weather, or this city, or the new year
that puts me in a very reflective place.

(or this perfect combination of sun & clouds on a saturday morning)

what are you afraid of?
when it comes to life and love, i think everyone is afraid of something.
some people are afraid of commitment, of getting attached, of getting hurt,
of loving and being loved.
and for the longest time, i didn't understand it.
i gave freely to those around me
- my love, affection, time, and consideration.

i wore my heart on my sleeve.
i still do.

and i believed that every experience is worthwhile,
that every mistake is a lesson learned,
and it all culminates to create character.

i still believe it,
kind of...

but i suppose, in a jaded way, these experiences have taught me about taking my heart off my sleeve, building my character in a way that creates independence and the freedom in being me.
my fear lies in making the wrong gamble. my sacrifices, vulnerability, consideration turning around and making a fool of me.
[that probably explains why i have a difficult time being patient and accepting that i need to wait, to know where i stand in the eyes and mind of another. that same impatience has led to impulsive decisions that created short-term solutions and temporary gratification.]

so all this time has been an ongoing lesson and reflection on living in the present instead of dreaming about the future.
of building & cultivating supportive/affirmative relationships,
taking advantage of opportunities for character growth,
and taking wise risks that will create something meaningful in the long run.

if it's a broken part, replace it

if it's a broken arm then brace it

if it's a broken heart then face it

are the details in the fabric (hold your own)

are the things that make you panic (know your name)
are your thoughts results of static cling? (go your own way)
and everything will be fine
everything
in no time at all
hearts will hold

this is not just tea, but a cup of wisdom.
"travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light"

ps.

[jan 18]

we just celebrated lambo's 2nd birthday
during a mini-vacation in fairfield

borrowing & sharing

being on my own since 2nd year in college has taught me a few survival techniques:
learning time and again how to budget my $ wisely, efficient laundry techniques for a month's worth of clothing, and namely, the gift of a borrowed family.

and as it goes, what is borrowed must be returned,

so i hope this counts

as me giving back.

i like to think that my value for family is because of the significance of my parents and siblings while i was growing up, but i must acknowledge also that the fascination can very well be attributed to my 4+ years in sociological studies of group behavior, cultures, and [of course] families.

borrowing family is not about spending (or NOT spending) the holidays alone; it's one thing to spend time with friends, but another to have someone share their family with you -- in that moment, you are not only experiencing the company of a support system, but also gaining insight from different perspectives on what fundamentally ties people and beliefs together.

i love how a simple conversation can lead to a profound realization of how God's plan works, how blessings come unexpectedly, and how timing can be most perfect when you just let it be.

between christmas and new years, i was able to catch my mom in san gabriel before she flew back home and spend some quality girl time with her and my sister (who, btw, always has amazing thoughts along her journey as a new parent with the 2 kids). and, as always, i walked home after eating with them a little wiser, a lot more trusting, and completely encouraged.
that, to me, is what i look forward to when spending time with a family other than my own. it's not about the company of other people, but the connection that is shared. it's that sense of belonging, of a past&future, and of support

(i'm totally overthinking this, that's why it's starting to become jumbled up)

so, segue:

with the new year comes room for growth, and lessons in trust and patience.
last year was '2009, time to shine'. and i think i can say that it happened.
i learned a lot about responsibility [stewardship], patience [love], and change [life].
moving to san francisco was really about me embracing challenges and becoming self-sufficient; moving here meant moving onto my future. it took a few months for me to realize that i was being held back by my own vices, and to fully become who i wanted to become, i needed to step back and see the big picture, instead of holding onto a fear of looking like a fool.

when reflecting at church today, i realized that this year has kicked off in an awesome way.
i'm learning patience: letting it be means experiencing the reward of knowing when i'm meant to know, instead of when i'm asking to know; it means that there is a reason things aren't meant to be rushed, and yesterday, it also meant that my car would be sold in a completely honest manner without any pushing or begging, at a nice compromise.
i'm learning to trust: because things will happen as they should. and that all goes hand in hand with being patient. it's about realizing that the unexpected can [eventually] bring me to something better than i could take credit for, if i just trust that it's all part of the perfect plan.
i'm learning about love: trying to love other people has kept me from loving myself (cliche, i know), and i know that taking care of myself first will enable my heart and mind to grow so that i can give my love to a fuller extent.

i have some amazing people in my life right now, it's no wonder i love where i am today.
and i'm learning that balance
of making and keeping quality friends
and the value of my close friends across the miles,
instead of feeling the need to make new acquaintances all over the place.

i hope this all made sense. i can't believe i've been trying to put this [my thoughts] together for over 2 hours.
comments are appreciated!!

all that time I wasted is now
all Im making up
and its mine, oh its mine
now i'm not so scared of what i want
theres a freedom in just being me
and i'm flying, oh i'm flying

i cant hold back
i'm breaking out the gates & screaming

give me back my voice again
give me back my self
give me back my love again
i wanna give it to someone else
i will not calm down I wont be nice
now, give me back
-kina.grannis

when it rains, it pours // my year in review

...back to blogging. hello, i haven't been here since september 1st.

wow. a year ago, i was here.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
moved to a new city on my own, moved 4 different times, got stranded in a random town by myself for 2 days with a busted car, faced my debt, worked at a tradeshow in vegas.

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
some i did, some i didn't, and both in kind of unexpected ways... but i definitely have some new goals for the new year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
i think it counts to say that my sister adopted 2 kids from ghana!! that addition to the family is just as good as a birth :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
my mom's eldest sister, my da-yi-ma. it's still hard to believe she's gone. we miss her.

5. What countries did you visit?
canada... yah!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
more patience, better sense of self, and money.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
april 15. one person who has made a huge impact on my life. i know we are constantly becoming better people because of what the past has given us :]

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
facing and paying off my NZ debt, and picking up & moving to san francisco on my own. in the same year! (even though the debt came right back... circumstantial)

9. What was your biggest failure?
making rash decisions, losing my 2 cameras (who took them?!), still being far in debt.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
aside from a chronic sinusitis, i managed to sprain BOTH my ankles on halloween. one of which had been previously sprained over the summer at the beach as well.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my canon d10 shockproof/freezeproof/underwater camera

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
+my brother going FULL-TIME with his photography business and leaving the cubicle for good!
+my sister & her husband adopting emmanuel & gloria from ghana <3 style="text-align: right;">
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
why talk about that which depresseses?

14. Where did most of your money go?
citicards - a massive car repair, rent, and survival (food)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
three things: the new kids, moving to san francisco, and my job at apple 

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
jaysean-down, kerihilson-knockudown, kinagrannis

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier/more content
ii. thinner or fatter? definitely thinner. i think i'm disappearing.
iii. richer or poorer? about the same, but i feel poorer because i'm not in denial anymore.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
saved my money while i had it. put myself first. photography.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
impulsive decisions!!

20. How did you spend Christmas?
i borrowed someone very amazing's family :] thanks edwin!

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
you could say that

23. How many one-night stands?
none

24. What was your favorite tv program?
2009 = addictions to fringe, grey'sanatomy, house, glee!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
hating takes too much energy! no.

26. What was the best book you read?
time traveler's wife

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
i<3youtube style="text-align: right;">

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
given myself more time. but i have no regrets

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
transition from casual/comfortable to trendy - skinny jeans, layering, scarves and heels (not all together)

34. What kept you sane?
lambo, my awesome house in sf, my down comforter, good music, and my guitar

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i've never been one to "fancy" celebs.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Marriage equality.

37. Who did you miss?
hana, diem, and the kiwis

38. Who was the best new person you met?
i met so many awesome people it's hard to say. so here we go:

[nick syquia] [apple  kids] [sidneyaptekar & ken hom, vegastrip]
[my roommates + jenny!] [walter&co.] [mr.fab]

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009?
+take responsibility for your own actions, because nobody else is going to.
+the willingness to grow creates character - "if it is to be, it is up to me".
+independence comes from being a little selfish first, i have to think about myself first before trying to be useful to others (this meant buying crap for people too... it took me till now to finally figure that out)

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

this is a message from your heart
your most devoted body part
taking blood and making art
this is a message from your heart
pounding away into the dark
you could thank me for a start
this is a message from your heart
-kg